“The barbarians top of the world and up for there for all to see and be knocked off their pedestal.”
A grey muggy day in Belvo. The wind was howling much to the chagrin of the cultured right peg of Dempsey and questionable tan of Cian O’Sullivan. The rain threatened from early morning albeit more of an idle Ricky Wogan “I’m leaving the club” than a Neil Megannety “hide all blunt objects Meganne is going to hit someone” type of threat..
Would the real Barbarians please Stand up ??
Belvo in the Black and White hoops of the Barbarians were early season front runners and surely capable of an upset against near invincible Stones J4 Galacticos??
That was certainly the early betting as the inside knowledge that Stones were without hat trick hero Danny Mac, Ireland front row Spiceman and of course the indominatable vocal talent (i.e. mouthpiece) of Meganne – was today the day?
The real Barbarians wore Green as McFadden’s band of well trained mend pummelled the imposters into a 50 point submission. And while vocally Belvo were a match and put up a hell of a fight with the ref, when it came down to what mattered the Greystones match had too much fuel in the tank, hair on top and lead in the pencil and strolled to another fifty point annihilation.
We will be playing in the AIL next season never mind J2
You want a centre ... you got a centre
The last time we saw Dan McQuaid, the shy retiring 22 year old was entertaining the crowds in Dr. Hickey and the members bar after tearing up Lansdowne with three tries and then the bar with Aftershock.
In the first game of the season we forgot the boy wonder was off on a Roman orgy with the rest of Trinity – more fascism and nearly forgot to line up his replacement.
With Brian O’Driscoll carrying a knock but willing to play, we had a tough decision to make at selection:
- Would he be good enough to make the team – he is 32 and was not great in the World Cup
- Who can guess what Dempsey will do next?
- Would Rodolfo again offer to play 12 and could we change topic quick enough
- Could we convince Cavey’s missus to let him play?
- With Meganne, would Rogaine continue our lucrative sponsorship deal?
We decided to go for safety, talent and sponsorship revenue and convince the Kilpeddar lady-killer - Cian O’Sullivan a call.
His Ireland international status, Zoolander looks an receding hairline (welcome to the J4s mate) were seen as the compromise candidate
The Real Barbarians – the game winning forwards
With centre sorted and Nate Buick (bit too tall to slag yet.....) slotting in for the hardly missed Meganne, who thought Belvo would be up for the game so opted out, the rest of the team picked itself.
Born again Christian (after a Christmas trying to finish the remaining 15 cases of wedding wine) Niall Savage and Niall “soon to be profiled on Criminal Minds were the dynamic svelte and angelic props (well one of us).
Fresh from his Bromance of the year award, Ronan “the Dartist” Willis somehow managed to hold off the challenge from Ricky to hang on to the number 2 Jersey – to be fair he should hang on to it for the Wanderers game.
With Meganne out, Gillespie AWOL, Soccy suffering from another growth spurt and Aaron Wogan refusing to play away from Greystones, we were blessed to have Nate Buick to convert to second row alongside team icon Michael J Harnett [ real name only as agreed with Hammer Michael ].
Back row was unchanged as the three amigos and conquerors of Lansdowne Lyle, Mooney and the mighty Duiler revved up the engines for another Prestige Worldwide Entertainment Gunshow.
The Fairies – those who decide how much we win by
Two try hero from Lansdowne** Colm “Hall of Fame” Nugent retained the number nine jersey, while Stephen Dempsey nearly lost the ten after pretend outhalf Niall Savage managed to wrestle the jersey (literally) from his grasp through the overpowering stench of his shoulder pads. On seeing Freddie whimpering at his lost chance to actually wear ten, the kind hearted Savage promptly returned the Jersey to whispers of “fat f**king bully”
After a heroic performance on the wing against Down Rodolfo the red nosed reindeer held on tenaciously to the 11 Jersey with a big “F*ck you” to Ken upon hearing a rumour of being returned to the crusty bench from where he came. Power clung onto the 14 too as Jake McShane remained as unreliable as ever.
KenDoll after a stunning cameo performance returned to his rightful spot at fifteen
The beautiful game commenced with a bloody ugly try
While the conditions were not worthy of the immense talents, the Harlem Globetrotters of J4 rugby still set about to play the beautiful game in a manner consistent with their heritage.
From the off, as the restart went Duiler the intensity was breathtaking as Maccer - eager to make up for declaring unavailability for the following week’s top of the table clash vs Wanderers – let those dancing feet go with a series of stunning breaks.
The opening try was certainly not quite in keeping with soaring highs of the 34 pass try against Lansdowne, created as it was by a real b£lls up by the Belvo full back, failing to find touch one yard ahead of himself after launching a horizontal kick across the pitch after a patented Nugent chip and chase supported as ever by the “only true seven in world rugby” Lyle Hazelton. The error allowed team sex symbol (ten years ago) Duiler to open the scoring as Belvo threw us an opening try.
The seal is broken as Willis gets inspirational and man of the match plaudits
With the seal broken, out trips to the Belvo try line became ever more frequent. Ronan Willis appeared to clone himself as he popped up everywhere on the pitch (lovingly cheered on by Brokeback Mountain co-star Meganne) justifying the close call between his impeccable darts and the conniving political skills of Wogan with a tremendous opening try. Indeed such was his confidence in himself and complete lack thereof in a certain loose head prop that Willis looked left saw Savage in space and went through four defenders and the left upright to touch down for a memorable try amid a girlish scream from his cheering admirers on the sideline (Jeremy and Meganne).
Laying the ground work for a unanimous shout for man of the match, Willis touched down for a second with an equally impressive charge as his dancing feet were Maccer like and movement Dempsey like to evade five Belvo defenders and tee Dempsey up for the easy conversion.
So man of the match for Willis - not just the tries but the darts and the exceptional line out transfers and offloads and the ability to make rooks like a seven from the front row – take a bow son, take a bow.
Sully ahead of Drico you better do something.
And so it came to pass that three tries to the good and our new sensational 13 had yet to touch the ball as Maccer was not in an offloading mood.
Amid calls from Dolfo about reclaiming the thirteen Jersey “I tell you Savo I am a better thirteen and have more HHHair” – Sully turned to his inside centre requesting a bit more ball but it was not to be as on the very next break Maccer (desperately unlucky not to be man of the match himself) did the reverse triple somersault with a tuck to pirouette through the Belvo defence touchdown for his own first.
Luckily on the next break Sully finally got the chance to show that he can back up the rep with a wonderful breaking taking a strong line and dancing through Belvo defenders for a sixty yard break to wake the crowd and get them on their feet. Unfortunately with the try seemingly a certainty an unwarranted gesture of generosity by O’Sullivan, seeking to ring others in meant a glorious try never was.
Not to be outshone, Maccer regained his crown as king of centres in the second half with an outstanding 40 yard break evading both centres in a nimble sidefoot before accelerating a straight line for an exhilarating chase to round the full back and touch down under the posts. He does not look fast but tell that to the eight Belvo defenders he showed a clean pair of heels
There is no match report without Dempsey magic
Of course there has been little discussion of the thin headed genius first centre’s contribution thus far but Rodolfo had quite a quiet game by his standard with the exception of a stunning break for the line that was a few stubby inches short after a dramatic acceleration (you owe me a fiver for that one)
We can probably talk a little about the wonder of Dempsey instead. Two tries and five conversions and no man of the match award again (running joke). The baldy one had another sensational game not only with the boot in tough conditions but the two customary tries were straight out of the top drawer that only our favourite Maverick can reach at this level.
This first was a sublime break from ten yards out off a surprisingly accurate Nugent offload. Dempsey looked inside to offload taking one defender out and dipped his shoulder for the line rounding two on the left and under one on the right before touching down left of the posts – if O’Gara could break like this we would never have heard of Jonny Sexton.
Comparing the second try to the first was the equivalent of comparing Andrea Corr to Tom Corr (unless you are Dolfo or Giller) as receiving the ball 40 yards out on the far touch line, he fielded a kick Hastings like and sidestepped right with a dummy to confuse three Belvo boys. Heading straight through a maze of bodies, the crowd was bracing themselves for a crunching hit only to see the bald eagle re-emerge through the bodies to touch down after a full 50 yards of mazy sprinting – words do not do justice one has to see to believe.
There was time for Nate Buick to cap a fine personal display (Meganne who?) with an impressive turn of pace and guile and the day once again belonged to the Barbarians with a 50 point win.
Solid scrum, outstanding “lineouts by Willis”, wonderful running and an impenetrable defence. Wanderers awaits next week but in this form that Invincibles tag is looking good.
Man of the match Willis with a customary nod to Maccer and Dempsey the balding genius.
** Subsequent to a legal letter from Nugent’s solicitors Ennis, Skerry & Knacker, we wish to formally apologise for not awarding the two divine tries scored by the Hall of Famer last week We also wish to point out that Nudge is the finest player to wear the nine Jersey for Stones since Wardy (and one devastating Cillian Willis cameo vs DLSP) and finally that is true he is indeed hung like a mule.