Greystones 72 – Lansdowne 0

9 December 2011 – Dr Hickey Park

The hardest thing in writing J4 match reports these days other than trying to remember what happened after waking up at 3am on a park bench outside the Beach House celebrating the is:

1. Finding superlatives to describe the “sexy rugby” played by the Barbarians  and
2. not awarding Meganne or Dempsey the man of the match award.

A word from Rob Lee – the forgotten J4 Hero

My first problem was solved by a quick interview with Rob Lee post game. Lee, the Gerardian wonder, CEO of a Fortune 500 Company and a closet (snip) gave a post game analysis after his own star turn for the threes:

“ OMFG GRFC were like totally hot tonight ... those guys like completely rocked in their tight green shorts and like totally unflattering hoops. I wanna have Danny McQuaide’s babies I mean he got like three tries maybe Mooney’s too but he is a bit of a BBW in porn speak if you know what I mean.... kisses xx”

The fascists – not men of the match

My second problem (man of the match) solved itself

Dempsey in an -  I would like to say rare but cannot -  slip of the boot missed ten kicks (sweet suffering Jesus). Mind you he did play like a genius at first centre (because we all stand at ten) and even managed to catch some of Nudgey’s passes to score three tries – in the photo on the left he is about to miss a kick.

Meganne also finally put a foot wrong for the first time this season. With the game still quite a contest and a mighty 4 on 1 overlap on the balding guru managed to make a holy mess of a show and go running directly into the only remaining defender (who was trying to get out of the way).

Added to this after years of being informed by Nobby and Ricky of his political leanings we finally had photographic proof of Meganne’s devotion to the right wing and fascism in general – I had heard rumours of interests in the Third Reich, his attendance at the recent funeral of Kim Jong Il and the fact that he is a lawyer but a part of me remains shocked.

He also called every single line out on himself – poor old Harnett.

So 72 points – its probably 11 tries and 8 conversions – eh Freddie Dempsey?

Well no actually 13 tries were scored in the exhibition. This was not rugby more like an exhibition from the Harlem Globe trotters typified by  a potential try of the decade by Danny Mc in the centre finishing off a move after a kick and chase from Meganne, a thirty yard Willis dash, a flip pass from Harnett, a dummy scissors with Nugent and what appeared to be triple somersault reverse pike from Savage – oh how the crowds cheered.

For the record the scorers were (and please remember I was at a wedding the night before and only remember the good ones):

• Three tries for “Bod” McQuaide – who will be missing for two weeks in January with the annual Trinners skiing orgy in January (I sh!t you not – sorry if you are reading this Mrs. McQuaide but it is not a spelling camp he is going on) - anyone got Cavey’s by the way number he changed it after I started calling him at unusual hours
• Two from the equally twinkle toed Niall Maccer – including a stunning cut inside three Lansdowne defenders (finally guessed what Dempsey was going to do next me thinks) – an honourable mention for his equally stunning X-mas jumper.
• Dempsey scored just the two marshalling the line in true Carlos Spencer style – no one knows what he’ll do next so we just stay on his shoulder – check out the photo on the left he actually scored after running through these defenders –( I cannot understand why Conor Savage asked me to call him Freddie but I will find out in the next report).
• The colossus that is Duiler also got two - stealing the first from amateur bodybuilder Niall Savage, slipping old pal Nudgey a fiver to send him in from close range (one yard out). His second was vintage Duiler (circa 199x) taking a hard line to drive through three lounge girls defenders – the more competition there is (Nate on the bench) the better he gets.
• Willis opened up the entire pitch with a cracking break and carry (really swiping it from Meganne – the commencement of a beautiful Bromance)
• Lyle Hazelton (entirely according to himself scored two outstanding individual efforts. “Well here we go. The first try i scored, i had run 50 yards back to make a try saving tackle, then ripped the ball off the lansdowne player (i think he was 6 foot 6, 20 stone etc etc, you get the picture), then i basically ran the length of the field weaving my magic and scored in the corner, cause i knew Dempsey needed the kicking practice!! ....
  My second try is on you tube – see the following link http://www.youtube.com/watchv=528HoWAprvo&feature=youtube_gdata_player “
• I am giving the other to Meganne, Nudge and Harnett because they are all regular scorers and I have not got a clue who got it (or maybe Dempsey got a few more kicks ... doubtful)
• Soriano and Savage – the two Barbarian vets still just surviving the Doherty regime both scored disallowed tries (after their own players advised the ref the passes were forward)

The players – a few other highlights

So you would think the tries would capture everything but in a high octane game it was easy to miss a few other highlights:

• It was Chico time as Chico McShane fresh from wussing out against Barnhall put in an outstanding debut performance at full back. Wagner Soriano was jealous.
• Lyle (see classic pose right)gave a course in how to be an open side – just be everywhere on the pitch and tackle everything....simple... and then get very messy to celebrate.
• The return of Saipan Soriano and the hand of Doom  - after his twenty seconds against Barnhall – our Gaffer put himself on the bench and on the pitch after ten minutes once pixy got his standard injury. As we all wondered who to put on we turned around and the sixty five year old Rumanian legs lined out hand off ready – to be fair the star shone brightly with some dynamic (ahem) darts down the wing cheered on by loyale employee Hoppo.
• Ronan Willis (majestically striding left and Meganne actually scored a 100% line out success rate) – again I sh!t you not
• The welcome return of the Ken Doll the Captain to the pitch – the gas we finally need out wide.
• The debut of Nate Dogg instantly endearing himself y providing oranges at half time (I will take any food but would prefer a king size snickers or a big mac next time)
• Andrew Lyndsey finally found out that trying to party with people half his age has consequences as he took the pitch in a state Paul McGrath would have written an entire book about.
• Portly centre / prop / flanker Mooney provided us with an immense performance at six prompting a well earned man of the match award (it has been coming a while) – he celebrated with antlers, bringing his missus down to the club (big mistake) and then refusing to go to Bray (a little huff) and winning a further award for drunkest man at the X-mas party.
• Aaron “Brock” Wogan showed up sober played outstandingly  (maybe he scored a try he usually does..... ).

The x-mas party

In a fine tradition the last game of the year gave rise to a few drinkies and an X-mas party of debauchery

              Ricky looks guilty after giving                     Oh Dear Neil – with Buddy the Elf
                        Dolfo a love bite

!!Revanche!!

Barnhall 7 – Greystones 29

3 December 2011 - Parsonstown, Leixlip Co. Kildare

Harnett goes over for the first try

A painful past

7^th May 2011 is a day etched in the Greystones Barbarians history. The stage was set, a cup final, at home in front of a full Dr. Hickey Park (there for the Casey Cup) and  against old rivals Barnhall.

We were overwhelming favourites on the back of a rugby lecture given toSeapoint and the integration of a few Grey haired and balding Senior legends (Meganne, McGettigan, O’Hanlon and Cavey) with the big performances  of few junior stalwarts such as Nugent, Carlos, Lyle, Duiler and Giller.

On that fateful day it did not happen as an 84 year old out half and an outstanding Southern Hemisphere scrum half tore us asunder as the expensively assembled (six pints) never recovered from a dodgy early try and we just did not perform when it counted (nerves... no Viagra... happens all the time....its you not me)

A Fruitful future

Those that were there on that tear jerking day wanted blood and swore revenge come the return game. And so another gripping stage was set. On Barnhall turf, with their entire coaching staff on the sideline, a three year unbeaten home record at stake the opportunity to top the league table going into 2012. As a bonus the now 85 year old outhalf lined up against our own balding genius in Dempsey.

On this day Revenge was received in part with a well earned and fought victory but it will not be received in full until we have silverware to show for it (“We’ve won nothing” – (c) Neil Megannety 2011).

An early wobble

Pre game nerves were most definitely on show as a strangely subdued yet focused team warmed up in the polar conditions of Kildare’s Pale. Banter levels dropped to below freezing as everyone wanted to maintain the “J4 streak”.

The sound of raucous laughter was gone and badly missed judging by the open twenty minutes as the J4 heroes meekly gained territorial advantage but conceded a sloppy opening try off a missed lineout (after a couple of Dempsey penalties) to trail 7-6.

An awful air of déjà vu filled the air – as surely the greatest junior team ever assembled (Nobbys 06/07 J2’s will counter that one no doubt) looked to have lost their swagger.

Picking up the pace

Cometh hour cometh the big men  - inspiration was sought and received in spades. Meganne, McCarthy, Willis Hazelton and Harnett all lead the charge augmented by the “hefty” ball carrying of Savage and Mooney as the 4s attempt to waken themselves from their slumber.

All of a sudden a few things began to click – the five man lineout despite the (ill) wind began to make some space and Harnett began to compete in his usual legal manner on their ball. The Maccers began to find that little yard and Dempsey cleared our lines with a series of kicks that Olly Campbell would have stuck his chest out for.

Lyndsey celebrates after the second

After a Ballerina - esque break from Savage saw Badger Nugent taking a fine line to go close, the baby faced assassin changed the game to release the flying, ahem, Harnett on the wing for the first Stones try. It was a moment of genius as Spencer, looking open saw the overlap 30 yards on the blind side and looped (with no pace mind) around the breakdown releasing Dempsey who adeptly offloaded (and bore the brunt of a late cynical tackle) as Harnett like a steam train hit a straight line and like a young Simon Geoghegan did a little shimmy shammy and finished with aplomb – we were back baby!

Second half the Baa-baas return

With no changes at half time (despite the strong bench) the momentum continued. That housewives favourite Dempsey continued the kicking master class racking up the points and engendering a sense of panic in the “Blue Bulls” (I sh!t you not) defence everytime he received a dodgy Badger pass.

The second score was inevitable as the Barbarian dominance became increasingly evident. Luscious Lyndsey (the schoolgirl’s favourite) was the surprising scorer capping potentially his finest day in the green and white with a twenty yard dash to the corner finishing with a textbook swallow (oo-er Missus) dive to send the sideline into hysterics smelling the victory (or dolfo’s body lotion – both were potent).

Dempsey

Dempsey then capped a wonderful day at the office with a virtuoso score gracefully (and finally) elbowing Savage from HIS channel - to ghost through 4 defenders, who all ended up on their backs in comic bewilderment - presenting the icing on the cake and making the Stones lead too much for the valiant Bulls and a chance to let the Bench take over and finish the game.

The scintillating Soriano camoe

On a bright note the final 2 seconds of the game saw the return to action of Saipan Soriano,  a season debut at 48 years of age. Soriano never put a foot wrong in his cameo role. Leaping from the bench like a salmon on seeing the Spencer injury. Showing supreme communication skils he eagerly attracted the ref to point the need for a sub before jogging and then accelerating to a walk to line up at full back just as the ref blew the whistle to signal the end of the game. No missed tackles, no knock ons no forward passes – a good day at the office.

Recap on the Team

And so the fours missing the beef of Duiler and Giller powered home.

• Props Savage and Hoey were comfortable in the scrum and agile around the park.
• The wind did not help Willis’ darts but the retired accountant gave another Woodesque performance at two.
• Meganne and Harnett were peerless in the second row – not a single bad performance as of yet – Meganne the ref lover continues to show dedication to the team completely atypical of recent senior converts....
• In the back row Lyle was Michael Jones, Mooney was Andy Powell and the raw Power of Aaron Wogan was Lily Savage -  a younger fitter Duiler (less so on the looks hair etc).

In the back line:

• The cunning and guile of Nugent continues to leave his closest supporters wondering why he never played higher. 
• Dempsey was OK, what he lacks in talent he makes up for in effort, he will be lucky to retain his place once Dolfo tries out at ten but at least he and the Spanish assassin are adopting the same hair.
• Maccer and Maccer in the centre were outstanding – Danny McQuaid remains the find of the season with one try saving tackle and a series of scintillating breaks.
• Lyndsey, Power and Spencer at back three were creative and faultless – no knock ons, silly breaks or foiled dummies. Spencer at fifteen was a particular high point creating the first and kicking like JPR from defence.

Man of the Match

Impossible to pick one – Soriano was faultless, Meganne was godlike, Spencer was inspiring, Niall McCarthy peerless and other candidates are equally as strong but after a barnstorming performance versus Rock and an even better one to-day Dan McQuaid deserves a gong for X-mas – Meganne and Mooney (or Money as our gaffer calls him) very close

The table is below for posterity:

Blackrock 3 – Greystones 30

17 November in Stradbook

“Greystones that day looked like great prophets of doom”**

Beating Rock - The effing Catalina wine mixer                                     (Boats n Hoes)

Rock in Rock

Rock in Rock – a little phrase that evokes big feelings in the average Junior Rugby player.

Be they a failed Schools player accustomed to a thrashing at the hands of a physically superior and well drilled outfit, a junior stalwart the victim of suspiciously common refereeing injustices or even Niall Hoey psychotically inspired to protect his own family from the perils of a gust of wind.

Rock in Rock - a little phrase that makes a rampant Greystones J4 team put in a performance worthy of national attention, that makes Mooney forget for 40 minutes that he is a portly prop with a dodgy neck and become a ball carrying behemoth in the Sean O’Brien mould, that makes Colm Nugent turn a game with wayward genius, that makes Ronan Willis Eric Bristow, that make Charlie Cannon Michael Jones and Danny McQuade Brian O’Driscoll, that makes Lyler GOD and Savage look like an average player.

For Stradbook on the 17^th of November was the site of a Greystones Baa-baas team handing out a rugby masterclass to the Irish Rugby elite in front of tens of loyal Stones men.

Tries from Lylo (2), Willis, Meganne and the beautiful Rob Lee sealed the deal with another fine kicking performance from Carlos Spencer Dempsey.

 It was the f***ing Catalina wine mixer.

A little Jiggery Pokery Please???

To beat Blackrock RFC 30 points to 3 in Blackrock on their home turf in front of their own fans, bankers, receivers and lawyers it takes a team of legends.  Rather than focus on the game focus on the men and since I cannot do them justice I bow to Bill....

“Those props are as cunning as a bag o’ weasels”

Niall Savage and Niall Hoey were simply imperious at prop with Ronan Willis an inspiration at hooker carrying like Woody but around the park like a back rower. The Spiceburger when called upon gave the ten minutes of power sending many a blue hoop ducking for cover.

“He’s like a raging bull with a bad head” - Harnett

Chaos continued at second row with Hammer Harnett dragging the game kicking and screaming to the Blue and Whites. Neil Megannety with failing knees, ageing hamstrings and a full head of combed over hair was Eales like for the fifty minutes his ageing body could muster. For the remainder the barnstorming Mooney dealt a dose of recessional reality to the boys in blue.

“I’m no hod carrier but I’d be laying bricks if he was running at me” - Mooney

The back row were heroes. Richardson sporting an impressive Fu Manchu debuted in the back row showing all the rugby skills, awareness and cunning his breeding would indicate.

Charlie Cannon recovered from split ends scavenged and stole and kicked and spat and we think bit his way round the park.

The true hero of the hour was the imperious Hazelbobs however, lifting his team to new heights with a monumental performance beyond the mere mortals of current rugby but reminiscent of a bygone era of Jones, Calder, Slatts, Richards when men were men and pansy was the name of a flower.

 “He plays like a runaway bullet” - Nugent

The backs presented with possession wrapped in a bow were shite also very good. With Captain Kendo absent but calling the shots from his Villa in Barcelona, Nudge was the victim of some psychology amd dropped to the bench in favour of Gooner Sammy (he took it the right way).

Stephen Dempsey or god as he likes to be known lined out at ten smiling sadistically at possibly getting a decent pass (or any pass) with Nugent rested.

 “His sidestep was marvellous – like a shaft of lightning” Danny Mc

Junior legend Duiler stepped up putting team before glory to take centre in Maccer’s absence – a loss from the pack but when you are that good. Danny Mc a full 23 years younger than Duiler danced all day at thirteen making a string of heroic tackles as part of an impenetrable J4 defence.

“His sidestep was marvellous – like a shaft of lightning” – Rob Lee

Team studs Lee and Lyndsey and the thinking woman’s crumpet formed a dashing back three.

Man of the match

Here was mucho debate in the car home, in the club afterwards, onto the Burnaby and throughout the Beach House there were many candidates:

• Meganne went for McQuaide – “He’s like a demented ferret up a wee drainpipe”
• Ricky and Dolfo opted for Mooney – “he's built like a brick outhouse”
• Niall Savage went for Niall Savage “This lad can do the 100m in 12 seconds. That's sonic boom for a prop forward, I tell you."
• But popular consensus was to split the award between the badger the game turner the hall of Famer and the magnificent Hazelbobs.

** All quotes from the Great Bill McClaren (Rugby has never sounded the same) 

Greystones 52 – Coolmine 0

Dr. Hickey Park – 5 November 2011 – Attendance 5,432*

A message from our lawyers

*Note this match report is the hazy psychotic ramblings of a delirious front row forward, it should not be construed as factual or in any as representing actual on pitch occurrences. The Greystones J4 side is not actually affiliated with the Barbarians Rugby club, Frank Ribery does not line out at second row for our club, Keira Knightley has never attended our matches (despite numerous invitations) and Stephen Gillespie was not standing on the grassy knoll when JFK was shot. Any deductions taken from a match report need to be considered as such.

Now this is getting ridiculous

It was Wives &  Girlfriends day at Dr. Hickey

Fearful of complacency after the controversial annihilation of St. Mary’s and their legal team, a highly motivated Barbarian J4 team romped home to an 8 try victory over a spirited Coolmine.

Tries from Carlos “Dempsey” Spencer (2), Michael “Maccer” Gibson (2), Davey “Meganne” Tweed (2) Bernard “Mini” Lee and Brock Lesnar thrilled a thronging Hickey Park while housewive’s favourite Dempsey kicked  7 conversions giving the hoops another 50+ point win.

Starting Package

With the absence of Terry” Willis” Kingston, the dodgy Barnet of Charlo returned after a tragic dose of split ends, where he joined ever presents Peter “Hoey” Clohessy and the magnificent twinkletoes of Savage.

At lock the Clockwork Orange mentality of Trevor “Giller” Brennan and fieriness of Mick “Harnett” Galway joined forces in potentially the most volatile second row partnership in world rugby. A beastly back row of Lesnar, Bobby Skinstad and the erudite legal brain of Tweed provided a blend of brains (Tweed), Brawn (Lesnar) and beauty (Hazelstad).

Starting backage

Our beautiful backline was deprived of the Badger as hunting season was in full swing only to be replaced by the baby faced assassin at nine, who had a fine game bossing the pack while overcoming the effects of cold Turkey as the local offy ceased the 8 cans for 5 euro promotion that facilitated many a recent session.

With the inspired Spencer at ten twas a pleasure for Gibson and  the blonde finesse of D’arcy to pair at centre outside him. Wingers on the day were the smooth talking lethario Lyndsey and the Gerard’s pin up Major Lee. Kasparov Power marshalled the line seething with rage that Charlie had out haired him.

Supersubs were the wayward Chip, the cultured Shelfpacker, the Spiceburger and the non performing manband Duiler.

Early Start,

Twas quite a start from the Baa-baas after a lacklustre warm up. Lesnar keen to carry before his fitness waned scored a trademark, textbook etc.  from twenty yards out  repaying the faith shown in him from Captain Kenny after three weeks rehabbing.

Concerned about his status as team Diva and de facto star of the team, Tweed quickly popped up to open the gap, clearing the Claw Hoey out of it to claim his first try of the season (or perhaps second). After a tremendous lineout from Cannon and Mr X at six offloading to a rampaging prop bearing a striking resemblance to Brad Pitt who in turn offloaded to Maccer via Tweedy to crash in from 15 yards out drawing 4 defenders expertly.

While Tweedy may be diva our illustrious outhalf can certainly match him for flair skill commitment and receding hairline.... and tries as Carlos Dempsey popped up for his first soon after  receiving a hand tingling rocket from Solskjaer at nine deftly avoiding Savage’s efforts to tackle him for standing in his channel, raising Hammer’s hopes with a dummy inside and ghosting over to hushed silence from the gents and shrieks of excitement from the Cougars (Mini Lee took his top off).

The ayatollah of Rock and Rolla

The second half saw no let up from the Barbarians, although the first five minutes did see a few confused faces after Dolfo’s half time talk (the interpreter never showed).

Carlos, now adopting a resigned position at inside centre began to show his frustration belting the chiselled left and right cheeks of loosehead Savage with a spiral floater in frustration. The frustration was only relieved by his second try and conversion again finding spaces where other find faces to ghost through like Casper. Maccer also managed a second soon after with a how to guide in picking a straight line.

Unfortunately try of the game went to Tweedy touching down at the end of a move so reminiscent of the 1973 Barbarians with Finnegan, Harnett, Cannon, Spicer and Hoey all globetrotting around the pitch to set up the big man for the slam dunk

Oh Hammer you little hot head

After all the tries there was scarcely time for Hammer to provide the comic moment of the game (perhaps except for the Dempsey floater) subbing himself off on the basis that he was about to be sent off anyway – comic enough but not as comic as the look on the lifters face seeing Spicer standing at four in the line out expecting a lift!

Man of the Match

Dempsey ahead of the magnificent Mrs Jenny Jennings – two tries seven conversion and  a little walking on water – might try to avoid the rectal implant next week though mate – still can’t walk.

Next week we start a new award Man of the Match (OTD – other than Dempsey).